ugly people sure do ruin things
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
