I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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