I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
