If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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