i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You are the jesus of drinking
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
