just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
