I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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