Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
