i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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