I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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