Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
