made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
