i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
