He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
