I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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