I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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