Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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