i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
