i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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