Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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