My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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