oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
