Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
