walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
