ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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