and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
