Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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