Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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