I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
