Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
