i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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