I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
