So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
