FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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