Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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