just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
