I wish I could teleport
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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