one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
