4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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