Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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