Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
