I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
