yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
