life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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