I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
