oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ketchup is God's man juice
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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