We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
my liver is dry heaving
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
