the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
third nipple confirmed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
