I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
