If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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